Thread: I was a little bored today...

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  1. #1 I was a little bored today... 
    Senior Member PSP Elite Hacker matrixsucks's Avatar
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    Ya, so I was a little bored today and yesterday...so I wrote this:

    There’s nothing really to it


    As the dim light shines in the corner I pull on my coat. The coat seemed heavier then when I took it off, but it doesn’t really matter. The bartender asks if I was going to drink the spirit he just poured for me. I just walked out because I failed to care, leaving that drink alone and helpless on the table. The dim white light still shines in the corner as I pull on my coat.
    Cold wind splatters my face with mud. The car drives by as if nothing has happened. The mud seeps down my face; my face sweats off the mud. The feeling of nothing washes over, but, after a split second, the feeling washes away, thus leaving the question as to whether or not the feeling of nothing was ever there. The nothing wasn’t quite what I had expected it to be. Well, if the feeling was actually there and real and not fake. As I was saying, the brown mud seeped down my face, leaving streaks of brown. It smelled, so I wiped it away. The mud was on my sleeve. The car just kept going. No apology, no nothing.
    The extraction of an apology would have been impossible, so I kept on walking. Sure, I had done horrible things. Sure, I was a bad person, but I still had my whole life to live. Sure, I can change and become a better person than what I was. Sure, I could. I knew I wasn’t going to, though; and my new life would just be a change in scenery, new names and new faces, but the same old story. I didn’t plan on being a saint. I didn’t really plan on anything.
    The night sky shines above me as I walk down the sidewalk. I saw the kid walking in front of me. His short legs were almost at a limp, but it wasn't quite noticeable in the sense that most limps are. It was rather a faint, hidden limp. I just seemed to notice the fact that the kid never just appeared suddenly. He was just there. It was as if the kid was always there, always in front of me. I didn’t think I could catch up to him, so I didn’t try. His legs, like I said earlier, seemed to form a limp, but not really. He limped, and then he didn’t, all at the same time. Perhaps I was just over analyzing the kid, that I wanted there to be a defect about him. I didn’t see anything else, no really defining features. Sure, his sandy hair suggested nothing, and his slim, malnourished body evoked no empathy; so perhaps he was just a mystery. He’ll always be a mystery.
    At that point I stopped walking, I felt a sudden tremor. I looked behind me and a man was there. He was jogging away from me, and it seemed that he was originally right next to me before he started jogging. The sweat dripped off of the man, leaving a stain on the sidewalk. The stars above shed a romantic light upon him, one that the man took willingly. I hated that man for a reason unknown to me.
    There is really nothing else to say about that walk, but perhaps I just forgot the rest. After all, the mind can’t remember anything anymore. I turn around again to look at the rising sun. The boy was never there, I suppose. I don’t remember actually believing that he was there in the first place, so his disappearance was never actually real. Perhaps the sun took his place. That burning sun could do nothing but blind me. I put my foot in front of the other, staring into that vast and bright sun, blinding my eyes for eternity. The Sun looks like a lot of fun; but then again, what is fun, and even more important, what is nothing, and how can it be described correctly?

    Ya, so that's it. What do you guys think?
    Today has been the most beautiful day I've ever seen.
     

  2. #2  
    Senior Member PSP Elite Hacker
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    not bad man. You want a career in writing?
    ...
     

  3. #3  
    Senior Member I Modded My PSP t_kimborugh_t05's Avatar
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    That's some deep shit man.
    These are chess moves, not checkers.
     

  4. #4  
    Senior Member I Modded My PSP spicy's Avatar
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    nice words. structure is a bit off, and some grammar has been sacrificed for the feel of your perspective, but its a nice excerpt.

    very dark.



     

  5. #5  
    Senior Member PSP Elite Hacker bender123's Avatar
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    I liked it. I got a nice tense mood, I felt drawn but confused (a good thing). I did however feel it was being "stretched" out a bit, not saying its run on but its just a feeling of excess at certain times. Yeah if this is a creative peice I don't like using "grammer" against people just like art you don't tell an artist he can't do a line after a circle. As long as its English and make sense and most importantly gets your point across thats the point. Good job Overall, keep it up.
    Please could you stop the noise, I'm trying get some rest
    From all the unborn chicken voices in my head
    What's that...? (I may be paranoid, but not an android)
    What's that...? (I may be paranoid, but not an android)
     

  6. #6  
    Senior Member I Modded My PSP spicy's Avatar
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    i guess so about the grammar part, but if this person wants to pursue writing in any way, i am simply pointing out the obvious imperfections that stand out for me in this piece.

    its helping them out, they posted for an opinion, i said i liked it, and told them some common errors that they had made. i didnt insult the style, or the subject, it was simply stating errors in the excerpt.

    if you want to get after my post, i could go directly back at your for the same thing as you accuse me of doing. you went directly at how "stretched" it felt, and that is was excessive. that is completely subjective. your opinion. i was basing my tips on commonly known basic english rules or writing.

    and to be on topic, you should keep posting excerpts matrix, very entertaining and creative.



     

  7. #7  
    Senior Member PSP Elite Hacker bender123's Avatar
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    Oh yeah of course, most people will judge it on grammar, but then again most people don't appreciate some creativity and difference in a writing style, but valid point none the less. If Matrix plans on being a New York Best Seller, grammar is a must unless he can convince the purpose of the bad grammar, ie the character is ignorant. And I wasn't "flaming" you or even the implication that you were wrong about grammar, it was my opinion just like had yours. But yeah grammar is very important to make it in as a best seller, still i'm willing to let it slide as long as its points are made and properly creates the character, but I mostly look for purpose in the grammar if the author misspells things I'll assume hes trying to convey that idea across then see what type of character it is.
    Please could you stop the noise, I'm trying get some rest
    From all the unborn chicken voices in my head
    What's that...? (I may be paranoid, but not an android)
    What's that...? (I may be paranoid, but not an android)
     

  8. #8  
    Senior Member I Modded My PSP spicy's Avatar
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    cool. lol. i think we both explained where we were coming from. lol. cheers.



     

  9. #9  
    Senior Member PSP Elite Hacker matrixsucks's Avatar
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    Haha, thanks a lot guys. I'm not quite sure what I want to be, but writing is definitely one of the possibilities.

    Thanks for the comments
    Today has been the most beautiful day I've ever seen.
     

  10. #10  
    Senior Member PSP Elite Hacker Gameunreal's Avatar
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    nice story. hope you continue it.
    you should aim at some clearer stuff (and or some explanations) if you write a continuation of this one, some books are wrecked by people getting bored in the start, and missing the great story in the middle.
     

  11. #11  
    Senior Member PSP Elite Hacker matrixsucks's Avatar
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    This wasn't aimed at being a complete story. Basically, that was all for that piece.

    If you would like to read a longer story, download it from http://www.sendspace.com/file/0odyx7. It is a lot more interesting...at least to most people. It is a lot more violent, and more mature in nature. Finally, it has a lot of mistakes that a couple of proofreading runs would fix (A lot of stuff...).



    Here is an excert:

    My fist contacts the back. Robert's fist hits my jaw; broken and useless. I couldn’t recall what happened at that point. My jaw is broken, my fist bleeding. My carpet is red, my carpet needs a cleaning, and My carpet is my only refuge. My life depends on its cleanliness. Well, my life used to depend on its cleanliness. I break open my piggy bank. I wouldn’t believe you if you told me I wasn’t mature, sure violence is never the answer, but what if it was? I couldn’t help but wonder, at this specific time in my life, whether violence truly was the final answer to every question. Perhaps immediately the question refers to a non-violent answer, but what kind of violence did you need to come about answering that question. Certainly you must take in account that perhaps your forefathers used violence in order to exist, but back to maturity


    ok, that was an excerpt. As you can see, it is much more stream-of-conscious than the story on this page.
    Today has been the most beautiful day I've ever seen.
     

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