Thread: Longer Story

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  1. #1 Longer Story 
    Senior Member PSP Elite Hacker matrixsucks's Avatar
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    This piece of my literature took much longer than that short one on my other thread. Here it is if you would like to download it: http://www.sendspace.com/file/0odyx7. It is a lot more interesting...at least to most people. It is a lot more violent, and more mature in nature. Finally, it has a lot of mistakes that a couple of proofreading runs would fix (A lot of stuff...).



    Here is an excert:

    My fist contacts the back. Robert's fist hits my jaw; broken and useless. I couldnâà ƒÆ’¢â€šà ƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â⠀šÂ¬Ã…¾Ã‚¢t recall what happened at that point. My jaw is broken, my fist bleeding. My carpet is red, my carpet needs a cleaning, and My carpet is my only refuge. My life depends on its cleanliness. Well, my life used to depend on its cleanliness. I break open my piggy bank. I wouldnâà ƒÆ’¢â€šà ƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â⠀šÂ¬Ã…¾Ã‚¢t believe you if you told me I wasnâà ƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã ‚¬Ã¢ââ⠚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t mature, sure violence is never the answer, but what if it was? I couldnâà ƒÆ’¢â€šà ƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â⠀šÂ¬Ã…¾Ã‚¢t help but wonder, at this specific time in my life, whether violence truly was the final answer to every question. Perhaps immediately the question refers to a non-violent answer, but what kind of violence did you need to come about answering that question. Certainly you must take in account that perhaps your forefathers used violence in order to exist, but back to maturity
    Today has been the most beautiful day I've ever seen.
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  2. #2  
    Senior Member PSP Elite Hacker bender123's Avatar
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    Rest assured I will read this. I'm busy with tests and projects atm but I'll read it tomorrow.

    Edit: Actually I've started reading this. So far so good. The prefix irritated me a little bit cus it dove straight into the characters personality rather then slightly subtlety creating him which started me very confused and almost disinterested. But once the first chapter hit i saw where it was going and it was interesting. Some of it is a tad bit random and confusing in the sense that its hard to understand exactly what is happening, but again i understand that it's the characters thoughts. Also the "thinking is sin" might wear out very fast and not leave me impacted in the end but i'll see so far i foresee it lacking. But still thus far interesting and enjoyable I'll keep reading till i'm comfortable to go to sleep. Well done thus far.

    Edit2: Wow didn't think I would be drawn to read the whole thing. How delightfully mad! I read the whole story! I loved it! I saw parallels in the story to my life and to people i know in a sick and beautiful way (not the actual events but the mentalities). I loved the sick interaction between sarah and jared (my favorite theme). The story is however extremely hard to follow, Donald Jorgenson chat i think had discrepancies

    "Donald is pretty nervous at the fact someone maybe a year older than him is yelling at him calling him kid."

    I thought Donald called him a kid! Then you say

    "Donny, Douglass, whatever the **** your name is, get me my god damn key to my room."

    I thought Donald Jorgenson wanted the hotel room. wtf? lol Would be nicer if you introduced every character with a little "blurb" just before the name as to help eliminate confusion. I love some of the tidbits put in that made the story even more interesting. Although the ending didn't "do it" for me i felt a little void as the

    "thinking is sin"

    didn't leave a big enough impact. I understand where you are going with it, but during the whole story it was "misused" as i feel it at the end. A prime spot to put

    "thinking is sin"

    would be after

    "That would ruin my character. You would think badly about me, and that would not stand."

    and def keeping it to a minimum would leave more of an impact at the end. I think it needs some minor clarifications and proofreading (as you said) and it would be a story more people could understand because people want to come out from reading it with something, cus right now its a tab bit too difficult but still VERY enjoyable. This has motivated me to write a story of my own, Wonderful Job! Keep up the good work! I'll probably add a comment or 2 later but sleep.. thinking is sin
    Please could you stop the noise, I'm trying get some rest
    From all the unborn chicken voices in my head
    What's that...? (I may be paranoid, but not an android)
    What's that...? (I may be paranoid, but not an android)
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  3. #3  
    Senior Member PSP Elite Hacker matrixsucks's Avatar
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    Thanks a lot man. I'm glad somebody could understand it without me clarifying it for them. I haven't looked at it in a while, and given that little void I hope to be able to look at it easier and directly see what to reword.

    Thanks a lot for your suggestions, because, being the writer, I have to remember that not everyone makes the same assumptions that I do. Again, thanks a bunch.
    Today has been the most beautiful day I've ever seen.
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  4. #4  
    Senior Member PSP Elite Hacker bender123's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by matrixsucks
    Thanks a lot man. I'm glad somebody could understand it without me clarifying it for them. I haven't looked at it in a while, and given that little void I hope to be able to look at it easier and directly see what to reword.

    Thanks a lot for your suggestions, because, being the writer, I have to remember that not everyone makes the same assumptions that I do. Again, thanks a bunch.
    No problem, it was a pleasure reading it. Like i said, the conflict between sarah and jared was delightful. I hope more people check it out. I'm glad you understand these are suggestions to help clear it up for the reader and I expected you would. I look forward to reading the revision if you release it.
    Please could you stop the noise, I'm trying get some rest
    From all the unborn chicken voices in my head
    What's that...? (I may be paranoid, but not an android)
    What's that...? (I may be paranoid, but not an android)
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