Thread: Need feedback on homework.

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  1. #1 Need feedback on homework. 
    I'm Pitching A Tent PSP Elite Hacker Chriscyco30's Avatar
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    Christian Suh
    Mrs. Fidalgo
    English 8
    October 25, 2007

    God of Basketball

    A long time ago, Zeus had a son named Nikeous, but was ashamed of Nikeous’ extreme height, that he threw him off Mount Olympus in to the city of Sparta. Nikeous was mocked by the people because of his tremendous height, but of course he had the power of the Gods, only he was not a God. He was able to shoot an arrow of a warrior from ten miles; he was able to run all around to world, he was able to throw an apple fifty miles! Nikeous, is ten feet tall with tremendous feet and has a muscular body with brown hair.

    One day, Nikeous is playing around with a companion of his, Adidious. Well they were doing chores when Nikeous throws an orange in to basket. Both of the boys found this entertaining. They tried blocking their shots, trying to get upclose, and found out this game needed a tremendous height to play. Nikeous, well, called this game, Basketball. Adidious and Nikeous were marveled at their discovery. Nikeous said to his friend, “This game has many requirements, like strength, agility, height, and comfort.
    Adidious agreed on this, “I agree on comfort. Playing in these sandals is giving me horrible blisters.”
    “I think I am going to try to create a new sandal that has comfort to our feet like never before!”
    “I am sorry Nikeous; many men had considered this idea but were considered mad…”
    Nikeous argued, “So you are no just going to leave me and not help me?”
    “I am going to have to Nikeous; I do not want to be the laughing stock of the town from being the creator of such a silly game and comfortable sandals.”
    “You will soon be jealous of my wealth when I become rich of my invention! You will regret this Adidious!”
    “Nikeous, you must snap out of it. Just follow me, I am opening a shop selling various items, and calling it “adidas”, you can be my accomplice!”
    "No! I shall make my own shop also called “Nike”. It shall be selling the most comfortable sandals, you see Adidious, and I shall create this.”

    The two open there shops, with Adidious having enormous profits selling toys and athletic items, but Nikeous as only focused on making the new sandal, selling very little and making barely any money. Nikeous prayed to the Gods everyday to aid him on his new invention on comfort for the feet. He tried hay, leaves, and grass, but all gave him blisters. But one day, Hermes, the messenger God, came down to Nikeous. Hermes offered a pair of foot shaped things with strings. Hermes called them, shoes. Nikeous thanked the God and was now wearing new shoes which he named after himself, “Nike”. Nikeous now ran faster and jumped higher like never before. His performance increased greatly and excelled in basketball. Nikeous started selling basketballs, basketball shorts, and of course, basketball shoes. He also made shoes for running and some for just comfort and everyday wearing. His business is now called “Nike”, and a symbol called “swoosh”, was created for his business since Nikeous’ sales rocketed up so rapidly.

    On a hot day, a big disgusting monster standing fourteen feet terrorized the town with the strength of ten lions. The only man who stood up to the monster, Reebokules, was the one and only Nikeous. Nikeous challenged Reebokules to a game of basketball. Whoever lost after sundown was to be exiled from the city. They would play to whoever scores the most baskets. The two go on, blocking, running, and shooting. Then, the sun was almost gone and tied, when Nikeous instead of shooting, runs towards the basket and slams the ball into the basket, also as he knew it as, dunking. Reebokules apologized to Nikeous for his madness, and offered him a symbol of gratitude. On his shoe, he made a strange loop, which is now called “the swoosh”. Nikeous is eventually murdered by Adidious so he could steal the layout of the shoes, but Nikeous is sent to Mount Olympus, where he aids Basketball players, also possessing a human body of a man called, Michael Jordan.

    Today, Nikeous has provided us with all these wonderful gifts, including shoes. Also, he created the basketball, and other various products. Millions of people today wear Hermes’ gift walking, running, and jumping with extreme comfort, with the shoes that make your jump high in basketball, but Nikeous will always be with you in a game, jumping even higher.




    sorry if its a lil jumbled, but just wanted to see if this is a good idea, and if any of your guys got some other ideas. Thanks! . Its a Greek God I am supposed to create, so I chose the God of Basketball.
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  2. #2  
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    seems good i like their names nike, addidas , his dad should be reebokeous?lol
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  3. #3  
    Senior Member I Modded My PSP Country's Avatar
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    Not bad, but the part where adidias says he can't do it because he will be the laughing stock of the town and the next moment, he's opening a shop...need to elaborate more on that.

    Instead of giving him the power of the gods and not letting him be a god, just say he has the blood of a god running through his veins, which would give him a slight advantage, maybe what you should do is make it like an old man is telling the story, and through the years "nikeous" stories became more far fetched, like the chinese fire drill, where someone starts a rumor and by the time it gets back, its different. Anyway just a few thoughts

    Also the basketball game between the nikeous and reebokuls or whatever, needs to be drawn out more. This is a battle of two tremendous giants, dont' let the end of the story be a few sentences long, make it worth the readers time

    Think of this like a commercial, and something that you're watching. Once you get it in your head you can do alot more with this. Its a good idea, you should run with it
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  4. #4  
    I'm Pitching A Tent PSP Elite Hacker Chriscyco30's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Country View Post
    Not bad, but the part where adidias says he can't do it because he will be the laughing stock of the town and the next moment, he's opening a shop...need to elaborate more on that.

    Instead of giving him the power of the gods and not letting him be a god, just say he has the blood of a god running through his veins, which would give him a slight advantage, maybe what you should do is make it like an old man is telling the story, and through the years "nikeous" stories became more far fetched, like the chinese fire drill, where someone starts a rumor and by the time it gets back, its different. Anyway just a few thoughts

    Also the basketball game between the nikeous and reebokuls or whatever, needs to be drawn out more. This is a battle of two tremendous giants, dont' let the end of the story be a few sentences long, make it worth the readers time

    Think of this like a commercial, and something that you're watching. Once you get it in your head you can do alot more with this. Its a good idea, you should run with it
    I like those ideas, thanks! I'll definitely make the final game more intense.
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  5. #5  
    Senior Member I Modded My PSP Nosympathy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Country View Post
    Not bad, but the part where adidias says he can't do it because he will be the laughing stock of the town and the next moment, he's opening a shop...need to elaborate more on that.

    Instead of giving him the power of the gods and not letting him be a god, just say he has the blood of a god running through his veins, which would give him a slight advantage, maybe what you should do is make it like an old man is telling the story, and through the years "nikeous" stories became more far fetched, like the chinese fire drill, where someone starts a rumor and by the time it gets back, its different. Anyway just a few thoughts

    Also the basketball game between the nikeous and reebokuls or whatever, needs to be drawn out more. This is a battle of two tremendous giants, dont' let the end of the story be a few sentences long, make it worth the readers time

    Think of this like a commercial, and something that you're watching. Once you get it in your head you can do alot more with this. Its a good idea, you should run with it
    Chinese Fire Drill?!

    YOU MEAN TELEPHONE YO!

    haha
    18/12/2007 05:19 PM free2rap622: i know
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  6. #6  
    Senior Member PSP Elite Hacker X15_sKyZ's Avatar
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    LOL, cool. your in 8th grade? i wish my english teacher gave us more assignments on these. i'd ace them.
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  7. #7  
    I'm Pitching A Tent PSP Elite Hacker Chriscyco30's Avatar
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    haha yea, this one was pretty fun, since you got to make your own God......
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  8. #8  
    Senior Member PSP Mad Hacker AndyCat's Avatar
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    You do know that NIKE really got its name from greek mythology. It was named after Nike, the greek goddess of victory.
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  9. #9  
    Senior Member PSP Elite Hacker adam's Avatar
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    Christian Suh

    way to post your name lol
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  10. #10  
    Super Senior Member PSP Elite Hacker Pirate-M.Lifnen's Avatar
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    Nice
    I like where it's going.
    I'll offer two quick bits of advice.
    First, you need to draw the reader in. A quick little sentence doesn't do much to make me want to read on. Usually around 8th grade, most kids open with a question. So try that. It'd be reall neat if you used a paradox to start.
    Not to mention impress your teacher...

    And, instead of height and weight, which make the reader have to think, give something thats easily pictured. Like "he was as tall and strong as a grizzly bear."
    Last edited by Pirate-M.Lifnen; 10-26-2007 at 03:39 AM.
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  11. #11  
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nosympathy View Post
    Chinese Fire Drill?!

    YOU MEAN TELEPHONE YO!

    haha
    lol I was thinking about that as I typed it, thats why I explained it. He got the point.

    I used to play the car game back in high school lol
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  12. #12  
    Senior Member PSP Elite Hacker X15_sKyZ's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AndyCat View Post
    You do know that NIKE really got its name from greek mythology. It was named after Nike, the greek goddess of victory.
    Lol i think thats why he did it.
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  13. #13  
    Senior Member PSP Elite Hacker matrixsucks's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chriscyco30 View Post
    Reebokules,
    What an awesome name. Made me laugh so hard.

    It's a pretty decent read; good job.

    Contrary to Pirate's suggestion, I don't think a question would work well.....because English teachers hate it when questions are in works. (unless of course it is the dreaded 'rhetoric' question, and I really don't think that you'll be able to pull one off in this case.
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  14. #14  
    I'm Pitching A Tent PSP Elite Hacker Chriscyco30's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AndyCat View Post
    You do know that NIKE really got its name from greek mythology. It was named after Nike, the greek goddess of victory.
    Now awesome.... hopefully my teacher will take my paper in still.

    and thanks for the comments and advice everyone, I hope I'll get a good grade on this.
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  15. #15  
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    lol haha great chriscyco, what bout the guy wit the gun in your school?


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